Thursday, April 15, 2010

Madness and Blessings

That we are not much sicker and much madder than we are is due exclusively to that most blessed and blessing of all natural graces, sleep.
- Aldous Huxley

There was a time in my life when I was graceless, when I would have paid an obscene, ridiculous amount of money for just one decent night's sleep. I was sick, and I was mad, and even though the pursuit of sleep became the organizing principle of my life, I wasn't getting any. The New York Times has been running a series on insomnia, and this article in particular really spoke to me.

My insomnia began in grad school, when I was preparing for my qualifying exams. At the time, it seemed normal - preparing for qualifying exams is incredibly stressful because the exams are on a pass/fail basis. If you fail, you can't continue on in the program. So I didn't think of myself as having insomnia, but rather that I was having trouble sleeping because I was stressed, and once the exams were over, I would sleep easily once more. Instead, the insomnia slowly got worse over the next few years. My inability to sleep peaked during my pregnancy, which again, might be normal enough, except for the fact that now I was having anxiety attacks over the thought of even trying to sleep. And then, after just a few hours of sleep, I had to get up and do a 90 minute commute. The only reason I never fell asleep at the wheel is because E spent the whole drive helpfully kicking my bladder.

Naturally, I expected to have trouble sleeping once E was born. Everything I'd heard about new parenthood, and my own experiences, all suggested that this problem would not resolve itself any time soon. Yet, within days of his birth, I was getting the best sleep I'd had in years. Most new mothers talk about struggling through the newborn stage, but I had more energy, more enthusiasm, and was happier than I'd been in a very long time. I was finally getting the sleep I needed, and even more importantly, I no longer felt anxiety about sleep. I knew I could count on sleep to come when I was ready, and that knowledge changed everything.

I freely admit that part of the reason I chose to be a stay at home mom was because of sleep. Now that I can sleep again, I feel the need to protect that ability. I know too well the physical and mental downward spiral that chronic sleep deprivation creates, and I refuse to go down that road again. The way our society structures work life, with its long hours, daycare drop-offs/pick-ups, and lengthy commutes, leaves so little time for self-care, and it seems that sleep is always the thing that we're expected to sacrifice. Somewhere along the way, sleep has become a luxury, something that if you're strong enough, you don't need, but sleep has given me my health and my happiness, and it's given me grace. For that, I feel blessed. Call me weak, call me indulgent, but call me asleep.

How important is sleep to you? Do you feel you get enough? Have you experienced insomnia? What are your coping strategies for times when you're not getting enough sleep?

15 comments:

  1. Sleep has been a long-standing issue for me, but over the years has gotten much better. I've never thought about when that changed but I associate some of it with my relationship with my husband. I used to have constant nightmares and hated sleeping, but having someone who I could wake up when I was afraid, helps so much. My husband is so gracious about it. And then the nightmares grew less and less over the years.
    And I agree that lack of sleep leads to me being angry, mean and fairly crazy. I'm NOT a fan. And I don't know when sleep went from necessity to luxury but I'd bet it was right around the time road-rage increased.

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  2. Alex, that's such a good point about road rage. How could you NOT be angry on the road when you're exhausted and you know that your commute is very literally stealing your sleep?

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  3. What a fascinating post. It was the complete opposite of what I expected as I started. I have to say I am thoroughly impressed by your awareness of your need for sleep and your willingness to honour it. As a mom who works outside the home, sleep is in short supple. Without question, it affects all parts of my life. But nothing is as desperate as the early months with both my babies. I literally lost myself in fatigue. It was overwhelming and all consuming. Sleep is the only reason I hesitate to have a third baby. Really enjoyed this post Jamie!

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  4. Thanks, Christine! I definitely empathize with your hesitation to have another child due to lack of sleep. Part of the reason I'm on the fence about a second is because I'm afraid the insomnia will come back during pregnancy. Looking down the barrel of that kind of chronic sleep deprivation is terrifying.

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  5. I am blessed with being a good sleeper. Add to that forced sleep deprivation during residency, and I developed a sleep latency time of about 2 seconds. The other side of the coin though, is that good sleepers are often people who need a lot of sleep, and also that we tend to fall asleep during inopportune times, such as lectures and board exams. My daughter is not blessed with the same sleeping abilities, and the good thing that has come out of this for me is that I have learned to function just fine on less sleep.

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  6. Hi Jamie - Sleep is a big issue in my house. My husband suffers from insomnia and sleep deprivation colors many of his days. Meanwhile, I come from a family of sound sleepers (my parents are in their 60s and, now that they're retired, they routinely sleep until 9 a.m. or later); the early days of parenthood and the sleep deprivation that came with it felt like a kick in the gut. Soon, though, I found that, to some degree, tiredness is under my mental control and once I get a certain minimum number of hours, I can make it through the day if I tell myself I can. My boys seem to have inherited my sleep genes, thank goodness, so the idea of several good nights of sleep in a row feels possible yet again. And now I'm rambling...maybe it's the tiredness talking? :)

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  7. And that's the blessings of parenting. Haha, although I must say that what you experienced is not, normally it's quite the opposite. But you were granted what you were most in need of.

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  8. Sleep is the first thing that I give up, and lately, it's been taking its toll on me. I am sluggish at work, and my thoughts are incoherent. It wasn't always that way. "Back in the day" I was able to function pretty well with 4-5 hours. Now, maybe because it's a different kind of energy that's needed of me to care for my toddler, that I am performing so poorly without it.

    Speaking of, I should really go to bed now. But there are at least three tasks on my list tonight to get to before bed. Maybe it's my cue to get off the computer, but this cycle is the same every night...I would REALLY like more sleep.

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  9. Note that I am commenting on this in the middle of the night. Can you guess I'm having trouble sleeping, too? And I so desperately need sleep, always have. Thanks to your post, I think I'll give it another go and save the computer (and that NY Times link) for tomorrow, um, later today, I mean.

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  10. Your posts continue to inspire me, Jamie. (And wish I lived near you so we could hang out over coffee or wine.)

    I really like what you've said about what lack of sleep can do to you. You're right about work culture, something I've been thinking a lot about. People are expected to just survive on a lack of sleep, and we dearly need it. I really need it. I'm only five months postpartum, and my body has really needed sleep for recovering. Yet I couldn't get that in the early weeks, and it did make me angry at times. Both my husband and I have become more anxious with less sleep and prone to losing our tempers. I have made sleep a really important aspect of our family. Some parents say their kids don't take naps. Maybe that's true, but I am going to do everything in my power to MAKE my kids take naps. It's so important. And I take naps too, when I can.

    Thank you for putting this out there. People need to realize that the reason we daydream about sleep so much is because we need it. So much.

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  11. BTW, have you read Weissbluth's book about happy kids sleeping?

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  12. I was the opposite, I slept too much before I had kids. I know when I was pregnant my mom was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it. And I must admit that first year almost killed me. Didn't help that my DS didn't like to sleep unless he was with me. Co-sleeping to the rescue (but I didn't clue into that till he was 10 months old). Now I am on DS #3 and I used to much less sleep. I can't even imagine the pain of insomnia. I can totally understand your apprehension about having a 2nd. Take Care.

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  13. btw I found my way here thanks to Christine posting your like on facebook :)

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  14. Hi Chantal- It must have been so hard to go from an excess of sleep before your first was born to the severe deprivation of the newborn phase. I also co-slept with my son and it was such a lifesaver for me. I'm not sure I would have been able to write a post about getting past insomnia without having co-slept...

    Thanks for stopping by!

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  15. @Jana, I think I read Weissbluth at some point during E's first year...I think i read ALL the sleep books before I finally gave up and started co-sleeping. For us, co-sleeping was the best way to get everybody the most sleep possible; I know it's not for everyone, though.

    I didn't realize your little one was only 5 months...major props to you for making the time to write such a great blog! I was barely writing a grocery list at 5 months postpartum :)

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